He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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