my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
