What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
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