oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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