i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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