4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
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Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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