I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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