I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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