This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
