I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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