ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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