It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Randomize
