nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
