i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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