Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
