Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
