I'll bet she douches with gravy.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
