and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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