Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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