I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
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she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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