the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
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The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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