you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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