clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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