she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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