how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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