i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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