I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
