the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
