Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
