i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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