You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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