its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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