That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
