You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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