Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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