i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
