Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
