I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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