he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He felt like a one man threesome
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
