Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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