God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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