i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
