i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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