The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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