Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
