I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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