Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
two words: eviction party
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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