the day after is always just damage control
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.