in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?