I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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