I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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