Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
