I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
