really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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