just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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