naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
