Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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