let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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